Sunday, March 14, 2010


Now I am just mad. Why the hell did you throw option number 3 at me? I liked only having 2 options, next year or not at all. I was ok with the decision to make it not at all, and then you do that? Dangle a carrot in front of my face? That is not fair, I don't understand what the hell you were thinking doing that, like it was supposed to make it better?

Well guess what, it makes it worse! All I can think about recently is having just one more. I can't stop those feelings but I can stop dwelling on it by taking away the option. I was OK with that really! I made my peace with it and could move on. But this? This is just not fair! When I tell you that by making the decision to end the option will help me not to think about it anymore why do you toss out the option of renewing my IUD and seeing about in 4-5 yrs after you retire and we have settled in to our new home. WHY?! Because now I can't be ok with making the decision to end the option. Not with that hanging in front of me. And you know as well as I do that 5 years from now really isn't an option at all. I'll be 36 you will be 41 our youngest will be 10 and we will just be starting up our business. How can you possibly think that is an option even worth considering? I mean one of your main reasons for not wanting another is because we are finally at the stage with the kids that we can get alone time and go out on dates and do stuff just you & me, and you want to step back and start all over when the kids will be 10, 13, 15, 18, & 19. . . REALLY?

How do you get from I don't want anymore, ever, to hey lets make 5 yrs an option. The conversation was going so well up until that point. I liked that we could share our thoughts and feelings rationally and calmly, but damn it that was not rational and it sure as hell doesn't make me calm. I seriously have no idea where that came from, it was so far out from left field that I can't even see how the idea got in to your head, much less what made you think to share it. And I sure as hell can't see how 5 yrs from now is a better option over next year, I don't. I get you are scared of what is going to happen once you retire, I am freaked out too! But we have a game plan and we are already starting to put those plans in to motion. Every child we have had has come at a "bad time" financially, emotionally. . . whatever reason there was always a reason why it was bad timing and yet it all worked out, we made it through just fine and a stronger better couple for it. The difference is this time we would be planning it and I think that scares you more than anything. Tossing option 3 into the bag just shows me you aren't opposed to one more, you are just scared to death of what the future holds. Fear cannot be the reason to hold you back, from anything. Don't let fear be the deciding factor, it needs to be what is true in your head and your heart but I can't see how it is when you give an option 3. That is what has me reeling and confused and just. . . not ok now with going ahead with what we decided.

Maybe you are right, we should wait a little while and go see that counselor like you suggested so we have a mediator and someone who can helps us fully 100% reach the right decision on this. While I think we have done a great job on our own talking it out our emotions do get in the way and someone to keep us on track and calm might be what we need.


  1. :-( Hugs mama... this requires a non typed convo. Lovin you.

  2. It really does. I am better today, especially after getting it all out not just on here but with him. I am just going to take it one day at a time with no expectations until after we have gone through the counseling he wants (and now I want) to do.