Saturday, March 13, 2010

Can't I just be sad?

Sometimes I just need to be sad. Like when I know I can't have or do something I desire. It's hard to let go of something that grabs you so firmly by the heart or worms its way into your head. Sometimes I just need to be able to cry it out and release it. I'm not much of a crier so when I need to cry I really just prefer to do that on my own, curled up on my side of the bed, face in my pillow. I know you feel bad because I am crying and you just want to comfort me, I know, and I love you for it. But right now, I just want to be over here and you over there so I can let it flow.

I don't know why all of a sudden I want another baby. All I know is that suddenly I am seeing baby things everywhere and it's tugging at me in a way I could never explain to you. Maybe it is that everyone around me seems to be pregnant or recently given birth, maybe it is that I have hit my prime and my lock has started ticking. The clock doesn't care that I have already birthed four children, not it's fault I was way ahead of the game. I've always said I wanted 6 kids and all of a sudden it just feels like something is missing and baby 6 is out there waiting for us.

Having made no permanent means to prevent any future children has always left the door open. I got an IUD so that we could have time to decide if we were done or if we wanted just one more. The time is drawing closer for the IUD to come out and we haven't really had a good long serious talk about this. Mostly because I have been afraid to talk to you about it. I don't know how to talk to you about. I have been thinking about it randomly here and there over the past year but suddenly it seems to be consuming me. Now that I am thinking about it a lot, I had to bring up the conversation.

I know I can be a stubborn strong willed bulldozer who goes after what I want without much thought to the consequences or even taking your feelings in to account. I am trying though, I really am. I know what a pain in the ass I can be when I get an idea in my head. After we talked I knew that was the be all end all. You don't want anymore and you have good reasons for why you feel that way and all I have for my argument is that I want. Hard to make a pro/con list when the cons are stacked up pretty high against my silly little want.

So with a heavy heart and tear streaked face I am going to tell you the hardest thing I will ever have to say. If you are 100% sure that this is it and you are convinced you are not going to change your mind, then I think it's best if you schedule that vasectomy you sometimes talk about. That is the only fair thing for both of us and puts any possibility to bed. Because right now with there being even the smallest chance that you could change your mind and say you want another one too, it's just going to drive me crazy. Put me out of my misery and make it permanent if you feel that strongly opposed to it. Yes I am going to be sad for awhile, yes I am going to be upset for awhile but you know me, I get over things pretty quickly and move on to the next thing.

Just understand that right now I am mourning. Mourning the fact I will never feel a life moving and growing inside of me, mourning the fact I will never feel the pangs of labor and bring another life in to this world. Mourning the fact I will never nurse a baby, or experience those wonderful firsts, first smile, first word, first I love you. I need to mourn, I need to grieve.

I don't know if I am going to even publish this and if I do I doubt I will leave it up long. I just needed to get those feelings and thoughts out of me and somehow find the strength to tell you what I wrote here. Some days I really do think it'd be easier to be a man, not have all those crazy hormones running through ya, none of those maternal feelings, and to be able to stand to pee!

And now I am very much more confused than I was last night. Now I fully expected last nights conversation to go the way it did, you saying no. But I needed to have that conversation otherwise it was just going to eat at me. But this morning? The hesitation? I don't get it! I thought for sure when I told you I wanted you to go have that vasectomy and the sooner the better you would be jumping for joy and say "I'll call Monday to set up the consultation appt" I didn't prepare myself for you to hesitate. I didn't expect you to want to talk about it more or even say hey maybe we should see a marriage counselor to talk it out.

I just want to close this chapter. I don't want to fight. I want a solid firm decision that there is no way to change our minds on. I need that. Hesitation & flip flopping I have no room for. I can't allow myself to have even that small glimmer of false hope, it isn't fair to either of us. Gahhh!! Why couldn't you just say ok, let's git'r done. Why can't you fully share your thoughts and feelings? I am left dangling in the wind with no clear conclusion and it sucks. Are you afraid to tell me your feelings because you are worried I'll be upset? That isn't a good enough reason! I am trying to respect your feelings on this, I am conceding, why can't I get the same respect? Just tell me what you are thinking, what you are feeling. Why the hell are you hesitant to just go do what you have been sure about doing for so long? Do not lead me on, man up and make a decision because yes ultimately it is up to you. I can't make the appt for you I can't walk into the office and get the V for you, that is all you babe. I am telling you to do it, I am saying here is me vulnerable and wanting something very much but I am respecting your wishes so let's make it final and close this chapter so we can move on to the next one. Or for the love of G-d at least share with me WHY yo are hesitating. Please?

No comments:

Post a Comment