Sounds like an elementary school essay title. Kids, what do you want to be when you grow up? Many kids answer with police officer, fire fighter, nurse, doctor. . . but how many kids go on to achieve that which they dreamed as a child? My first "I want to be _____ when I grow up" I was 12 and wanted so badly to be a marine biologist and work with the Orcas and dolphins at Sea World. marine biology always stuck in the back of my brain but was never something I thought of actually pursuing. When I did go to college I was 17 and set on becoming a high school English teacher. Crazy idea coming from me. I hate school! However I had several teachers my last year of school that really touched me and helped me achieve things I never thought I was capable of. I went from being a C & F student to being placed in honors classes and making almost all A's. I was inspired to do for another child what they had done for me and that was give me confidence in my self.
Then the reality of school and caring for an infant as a single mom really set in. The scary things happening in high schools every day, the insane crap teachers were putting up with and being subjected to. It all got me down and I didn't last in that career choice. After that I switched my major to nursing. Yeah that didn't last long either, something about having to stick a needle in someones vein and draw blood nixed that real fast. After that I dropped out. I look back and regret not getting a degree, any degree, yet I know in my heart no matter what degree I had chosen then is not who I am now or what I would want to be doing now. Instead I took on life and all it's lessons. I did this thing called growing up.
Ok so now I am supposed to be this wise mature grown up, I mean I am 31, I do have 5 kids, a husband and a million responsibilities. Yet I feel younger now than I did at 21. And I still don't know what I want to do with my life! Don't get me wrong I love love love being a mom and I love the fact I have the opportunity to be a stay at home mom. I wouldn't trade that for anything even if it meant we didn't have to be so tight on our budget and could so more things. Still, I want to have a degree I want to do something with my life, make something of it. I can't always be a SAHM, the kids are growing up an faster than Id like, could someone maybe make them stop doing that?
Several times now I have gone to enroll in the University of Phoenix. What keeps holding me back? Picking my degree. To be honest their online university really doesn't offer the course I would love to take (even ones just for the knowledge, just for the fun of learning!) so that makes the decision harder. They do offer a degree I need, or my husband one of us, in order to start up and run our own business once he retires from the Navy. The selfish part of me thinks he can take up the business degree, I want to do what I want to do. The sensible side of me says it makes more sense for me to attain the degree as I have more time available to me to put in for it. But that kid in my head that is stomping her feet and pounding her fists and shaking her head keeps me from making that final decision.
So what do I want to be when I grow up? So many things! I want to do it and have it ALL! That's not too much to ask is it? In my heart of hearts what I feel is my true calling is to be a midwife and LC. What I enjoy doing is being an advocate (birth, children, etc). And then there are the extra curricular items. I'd so love to take courses on theology, bioscience, photography, agriculture. . . the list goes on. And not a single one of these are available at UofP. So this means a lot of out of pocket expense, attending an actual college and working that kind of schedule around 5 very busy school aged children and a military spouse.
I almost feel like I have to put off what I want to do and my dreams until 1) husband is retired and/or 2) the kids are older and more self sufficient. It's not fair screams the child in me. When do I get to be all that I can be? And why do I feel like the sensible shoes are going to win this battle rather than those funky heels that are really calling my name.