Friday, May 21, 2010

riding on the moodcoaster

I've been considering taking some time offline. I go through this every so often, the up & down crazy waves of the moodcoaster. Lately I have been having those feelings of why do I even bother, I should just delete all of my online accounts and crawl in to my hermit hole. No one would miss me anyways. There are maybe like 10 people I interact with on facebook and even fewer that I would say I could confide in, and no one in "real life". I hate when I hit this low, it always makes me take everything so personally even when it's not. The negativity lately has gotten to me too and it's making me a little bitter.

The other downside to this coaster ride? I am so not myself. I become totally unhinged, do things I don't normally do, say idiotic things, and react like a volcano just exploding all over everything in my path. Unfortunately the ones who feel the brunt of that is my kids. As soon as it happens mommy guilt takes over, brings me down another notch on the coaster and everything gets worse. Some would say, girl, go to your doctor and get some meds. I've been that route and it is not pretty. Me and drugs, we do not mix well, in fact we are like oil & vinegar except no amount of whisking makes us blend. I seem to react one of to ways, I hit the lowest low but become robot like that even though I am super depressed I just don't care because I can't feel anything. Or I go super crazy manic mode. I've learned how to deal with the ups & downs of bipolar disorder, I can feel when I am hitting a cycle. Usually I know how to handle it and control it without it controlling me. But sometimes, there is no controlling it, it has a mind and life of it's own and all I can do is sit back and brace myself. I also try to keep myself up on my supplements and generally they do help take the edge of. However, many days shoving 15 pills & drops down my throat is just too much work so I slack off.

To make the bipolar issues worse I also suffer from adrenal fatigue syndrome which exacerbates the mood swings, especially if it's kicking in full force. I become so overwhelmingly tired and if I am tried I am easily irritated add to it the depression and BOOM. On top of that I am fairly certain I have thyroid issues. It's all piling up so bad that I have seriously considered seeing an MD (zomg!) to have my thyroid tested and going on alopathic drugs. I know, right? I must really be feeling like shit to go this route.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring and what kind of crazy assed thoughts I'll have.


  1. this sounds like my life! except (thankfully) drugs really help me. i feel bad being medicated but at least i'm not blowing up at my kids all of the time now!

  2. I care!! I care!!! Just so you know, and I WOULD miss you if you disappeared!

  3. I sometimes wish I could go the drug route, it is not easy to deal with that is for sure. Thankfully the mini crisis (aka pms geez I really should hide 1 week a month) is over I am feeling much more normal.

    I'd miss you too Tabatha! Sometimes I just have to wallow in the pity party lol I'm over it now :)